"The place where it all started ..."

I've been thinking about writing this for a while now, but for some reason, I've had the toughest time just trying to put down in words how I feel about it all - about you, about things as they stand, and about how much has changed ever since you've been gone, and yet still seem to be all around me.

I know it's been a while since you've left this place, and gone back to your beautiful tropical paradise, back home... But it feels like everywhere I look, I'm faced with reminders of you. I wake up to a bright sunny morning, and the first thought in my head is how much you love such days. I go to Starbucks and I can't help but muse over your obsession with strong, full of flavor black coffee. I see people at weekend brunches and it takes me back to that beautiful Sunday morning we met for coffee and took a walk by the riverside with the sun shining down at us, and a light breeze blowing - for those few hours, there was nothing wrong with my world, nothing more I wanted, it was perfect. One of the many perfect times I've spent with you.

I remember it all, every little detail - the clothes I was wearing, the drink you always ordered, the extra hot hot chocolate, the chocolate cake for breakfast and lunch, that night at the bar when you held my hand for the first time right before you were leaving and you just held on for a little longer. I remember Christmas drinks, and new year's wishes, and of course, the gift. It's all so deeply etched inside me, I can't believe that it's been so long. 

And it's really hard sometimes, thinking about all the time I spent with you, and realizing that it's all in the past. But what scares me more is the thought of forgetting any of it. I know I'd rather remember all this stuff that makes me feel real inside, even if it hurts, than ignore and try to forget and just be numb to it all. I feel like I'm just trying to get by each day without breaking down, without being mad about how unfair it all is. I'm trying not to run away from people and places that remind me of you, but some days are just more difficult than others.

Time with you went by so fast, I barely knew you and it was over, yet when I look back, it feels like no time has passed at all. I can close my eyes and relive every conversation, every joke, every moment, everything...

I don't know what I was to you, or if there are any reminders of me in this new life you've got. I don't even know what you are to me anymore. I don't know if it was friendship, or love or just that messy grey area in between. All sane, sensible, realistic thinking went out the window the moment you told me you were leaving. For in that moment, I realized how much you still meant to me. No matter how much I denied it, no matter how much I convinced myself that I was over you, you were still just as important to me as you'd always been. And you always will be. You were the one person who made me feel a little less lost and a little more self assured when I needed it the most. And for that I am forever grateful. I will never understand why it all had to end so abruptly, so soon, but every time I talk to you, I can see how incredibly happy you are, and I know it was the right thing for you. You deserve to be happy, wherever you are.

As for me, I'm taking your advice and trying to be brave. And even if there's nothing else left for you on this island, there will still be the girl who makes you laugh...

Careful

You know the people you got to be careful with?

It's not the ones who mess with you or play mind games, 
who lie and talk behind your back. 
Sure you need to be wary of them, but they aren't the most dangerous, no.

The people you really gotta watch out for, 
they are the ones who change your life from the moment they walk into it. 

The ones who make every moment better just by being there. 

The special ones - who make the most mundane things seem extraordinary.

The people who make you laugh ...

Because when it's over,

when they have to get up and leave,

nothing is ever the same again ...

Walking Away

When I met you, I was still lost in someone else. Still a broken, incomplete person, dealing with the hurt from the past. Still trying to find myself in those pieces. 

Back then, I never thought I could ever feel that way about someone again. I thought that the next time I fall for someone, my heart would be more guarded, more afraid, less willing to take risks. Because that's the person I was back then. Every time I started to feel anything about someone, I would force myself to snap out of it. Pull myself back to rationality.

But then you walked in. At first, I didn't give it much thought. I didn't think I needed any safety because I saw you as just another person I would eventually pull myself away from. I didn't think of you as someone who was here to stay. When I first realized that you were becoming more important to me than I'd anticipated, I still believed that I had it under control, that it was just a rush of feelings on meeting someone new, that it would go away. 

And that was true till an extent. After a while, we lost touch. And that might have been the end of it. I was normal again. Or as close as it got to that. I would will myself back to rationality, prevent myself from thinking about you, distract myself. And it almost worked. Almost.

But even then, I guess there were always times when I knew I was lying to myself. I knew you mattered more than I cared to admit. And a little while later, you came traipsing back into my life. We talked, we laughed, we hung out. You knew things no one knew about me. And I would like to believe I knew a little bit more of you than most. You were caring and supportive. You were easy to talk to, and above all, you understood. You understood things others couldn't. It wasn't long in terms of time, but as far as friendships go, you were already one of the most important. I suppose that's really the type of person you are.

You were all wrong for me. You were trouble. And I knew there was absolutely no way that I would ever mean anything to you in the romantic sense. I knew I needed to stop risking everything, I needed to guard myself, come back to my senses. Yes, I knew all of that.

Yet, for some reason, I couldn't. When I was around you, I just never stood a chance. I was the irrational fool again. I was silly and sensible, irresponsible and grown up - all at the same time. I knew I was in over my head, despite my reluctance to the idea of getting serious about any other person again. A year ago, when I was still getting over things, I never thought I'd love someone again in the foreseeable future.

And now, if it was possible, I loved you even more. 

I could've gotten over it. I could've broken off all contact and moved on with my life. It wouldn't have been easy but it was possible.

But I didn't want to. Even when I knew nothing would ever come out of it, nothing could ever happen between us. For a variety of reasons, the idea of 'us' just wasn't possible. 

Yet I didn't want to end it. I didn't want to finish whatever it was that we had. I wanted to risk it.

I liked the person I was around you. I like the person you've made me. I've had my dark moments, but every time I was with you, I was happy. Truly happy. I was smiling. Laughing again. Something inside felt alive once more. After a long long time, I was willing to take a chance and lay everything on the line. I knew it would hurt when it ended, perhaps more than before. But with you, it was worth it. 

I loved you. I loved you enough to take chances. Enough to watch you with another, and still be happy. Enough to be happy with just knowing that I loved you. Without any expectation in return.

And that was the deal. I allowed myself to feel that way about someone again, but I would never let myself expect anything in return.

At least I was mature in that sense. I always knew where I stood, and where you were. I knew that the time I had with you wouldn't last, and that I had to make the best of it. I knew not to take things for granted. All those moments I spent with you, I knew how important they were. How I had to memorize it all, for it would all come to an end before I realized. I was aware of the frailty of love, and the ruthlessness of time.

And I was mature enough to accept that. No amount of time I spent with you would ever be enough. When it was time to leave, I had to pick myself up and leave. I had to call it quits and say goodbye. I had to remember the promise I made to myself at the beginning -- no expectations. 

And now that it's over, that is what I keep reminding myself.

You opened my heart again. You made me realize that eventually, its possible to get over past hurt, and fall in love. You made me willing to take chances and believe in love. That is perhaps the reason why it all happened. The reason you walked into my life. And now, a little while later, walked out.

It wasn't long in terms of calendar months. But to me, it seems like an entire lifetime. I am a new person thanks to you.

I will always love you. And when I look around me, there are more than a few reminders of things that you said or did. But that's all there will be to it. Memories. Conversations I can play in my head. Moments that I can relive every time I close my eyes. 

You will move on, have a life of your own. One I never have and never will fit into. You'll find someone else who will make you feel the way I feel about you. And at the end, that's what I want for you. I don't have to be with you. It's enough for me to know that I love you.

Maybe I'll get over it, and in time find another hurricane that will sweep me off my feet, just like you did. Yet, all said and done, you are a person I will always remember fondly. Through a walk in the park during spring time, I'll imagine how it would be to have you beside me. What you would say or do. Or when the season's first snow falls, I'll imagine how it would be to share that moment with you. When candle light reflects off the stem of a wine glass, I'll see your deep brown eyes. And when I'm standing by the river on a moonlit night, I'll miss you.

Yes, I have to and I am, walking away, but I'll think about you. 
Every now and then, I'll think about you.

You’re Alone No Matter What

It doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get

It doesn’t matter how many new clothes you buy

It doesn’t matter how much perfume you wear

It doesn’t matter how many new pairs of heels you try

It doesn’t matter what job you have

It doesn’t matter how popular you seem

It doesn’t matter how many friends you’ve got

It doesn’t matter what compliments you receive

cos when it comes to him,

there’ll always be that one other girl

whose skirt is a little bit shorter

and legs are a little bit skinnier

whose lips are a little more kissable

and eyes are a little bit prettier

who’ll mean more to him than you thought she would ...

who’ll mean more to him than you ever could ...

~M

How do you think it feels?

knowing yours isn't the gift on his bedside table

knowing yours isn't the song playing in his car

knowing you're not the face on his wallpaper anymore

knowing he no longer has pictures of you on his phone

knowing yours isn't the email he was waiting for all day

knowing yours isn't the number memorised in his head

knowing yours aren't the calls he'll jump to answer

knowing yours isn't the birthday circled on his calendar

knowing you're not the girl holding his hand

knowing you're not the girl thats making him smile

knowing you're not the first thought in his head when he wakes up

and the last before he goes to sleep at night

knowing you're not the girl whose name makes him nervous

knowing you're not the girl who lights up his eyes

knowing you're not the girl giving him butterflies

knowing you're not the girl he dreams of all night

knowing you're not the girl he ll spend every moment with 

knowing you're no longer the girl he'll instantly turn to for help

knowing you're not the girl he'll share his every day with

knowing now there's someone else in his head

knowing it's over, for good this time

knowing you're his past and your future isn't him

knowing that time has extinguished your flame

knowing the next time your phone rings, days weeks months from now,

        that phone call, that text ..that still wont be from him...

~M

“..to try to turn sadness into longing, solitude into remembrance..."

By the River Piedra I sat Down and Wept 

~ Paulo Coelho

By the river Piedra I sat down and wept. There is a legend that everything that falls into the waters of this river—leaves, insects, the feathers of birds—is transformed into the rocks that make the riverbed. If only I could tear out my heart and hurl it into the current, then my pain and longing would be over, and I could finally forget.

By the river Piedra I sat down and wept. The winter air chills the tears on my cheeks, and my tears fall into the cold waters that course past me.

Somewhere, this river joins another, then another, until far from my heart and sight all of them merge with the sea. May my tears run just as far, that my love might never know that one day I cried for him. May my tears run just as far, that I might forget the River Piedra, the monastery, the church in the Pyrenees, the mists, and the paths we walked together. I shall forget the roads, the mountains, and the fields of my dreamsthe dreams that will never come true.

I remember my "magic moment"that instant when a "yes" or a "no" can change one's life forever. It seems so long ago now. It is hard to believe that it was only last week that I had found my love once again, and then lost him.I am writing this story on the bank of the River Piedra. My hands are freezing, my legs are numb, and every minute I want to stop."Seek to live. Remembrance is for the old," he said.

Perhaps love makes us old before our time or young, if youth has passed. But how can I not recall those moments? 

That is why I write, to try to turn sadness into longing, solitude into remembrance. 

So that when I finish telling myself the story, I can toss it into the Piedra. That's what the woman who has given me shelter told me to do. 

Only then, in the words of one of the saints, will the water extinguish what the flames have written.

All love stories are the same. 

And with love, there are no rules. Some may try to control their emotions and develop strategies for their behavior; others may turn to reading books of advice from "experts" on relationships but this is all folly. The heart decides, and what it decides is all that really matters.

All of us have had this experience. At some point, we have each said through our tears, "I'm suffering for a love that's not worth it." We suffer because we feel we are giving more than we receive. We suffer because our love is going unrecognized. We suffer because we are unable to impose our own rules.

"If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him. 

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."

“Yes, my mind was wandering. I wished I were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that i would lose him the next day. With that reassurance, the time would pass more slowly. We could be silent for a while because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for conversation. I wouldn't have to worry about serious matters, about difficult decisions and hard words.” 

Wait. This was the first lesson I learned about love. The day drags along, you make thousands of plans, you imagine every possible conversation, you promise to change your behavior in certain ways – and you feel more and more anxious until your loved one arrives. But by then, you don’t know what to say. The hours of waiting have been transformed into tension, the tension has become fear, and the fear makes you embarrassed about showing affection.

“Long since, the desert wind wiped away our footprints in the sand. But at every second of my existence, I remember what happened, and you still walk in my dreams and in my reality. Thank you for having crossed my path.” 

"Every day, God gives us the sun – and also one moment in which we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. Every day, we try to pretend that we haven’t perceived the moment, that it doesn’t exist – that today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if people really pay attention in their everyday lives, they will discover that magic moment. It may arrive in the instant when we are doing something mundane, like putting our front-door key in the lock; it may lie hidden in the quiet that follows the lunch hour or in the thousand and one things that all seems the same to us. But that moment exists – a moment when all the power of the stars becomes a part of us and enables us to perform miracles."

"I’m going to fight for your love. There are some things in life that are worth fighting for to the end. You are worth it.”

"The universe always helps us fight for our dreams, no matter how foolish they may be. Our dreams are our own, and only we can know the effort required to keep them alive.

Love perseveres. It’s men who change.

“In real life, love has to be possible. Even if it is not returned right away, love can only survive when the hope exists that you will be able to win over the person you desire.” 

“But he was wrong. Because I had fought with my heart and defeated it long ago. I was certainly not going to become passionate about something that was impossible. I knew my limits; I knew how much suffering i could bear.” 

“And I began to feel sorry for myself; for so many years, my drawer full of memories had held the same old stories.”

“It's risky, falling in love.”

"I know that," I answered. "I've been in love before. It's like a narcotic. At first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. The next day, you want more. You're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. You think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours.

"But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. If he's not there, you feel like an addict who can't get a fix. And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you're willing to do anything for love.”

"What a horrible way to put it," he said.” 

“You shouldn't have asked," I said. "Love doesn't ask many questions, because if we stop to think we become fearful. It's an inexplicable fear; it's difficult even to describe it. Maybe it's the fear of being scorned, of not being accepted, or of breaking the spell. It's ridiculous, but that's the way it is. That's why you don't ask-you act. As you've said many times, you have to take risks.” 

“Make whatever decision you wish but never forget one thing: all of you are much better than you believed. Take advantage of the chance that tragedy has given you; not everyone is capable of doing so” 

The Last Waltz

I take your hand as you lead me to the dance floor

I'm in your arms, I'm yours tonight

It may be wrong, but i don't know why

This feeling just seems so right

I look into your eyes, I can see your soul

I see my whole world in there

All I've ever lived for, all that's ever mattered

Tonight it's right here...

A silent tear touches my cheek

But you catch it with your hands so warm

My strength is drained, I feel so weak

But you hold me as we dance along

Time seems still, life is bliss

Alas fate has different plans

And all too soon this dream

This life has got to end

As the music dies and you let go

I feel like I'm falling apart

My heart goes numb, my tears won't stop

But time just wouldn't wait

Forever and ever, I'll always remember

This love, this feeling so true

I'll live this night all my life

This Last Waltz with You......

~ M

You won't be his first, his last, or his only. He's loved before, and he will love again ... But if he loves you now, what else matters ? He's not perfect and neither are you, which both of you will never be. But if he makes you laugh, at least once causes you to think twice, and he admits to being human and to making mistakes, hold on to him and give him all you've got. He's not going to quote poetry, and he isn't going to be thinking about you every single moment of every single day, but he will give you a part of him, that he knows you can break. Don't hurt him, don't change him, don't expect too much from him. But smile when he makes you happy, cry when he makes you sad, and miss him when he's not there with you ...