"The place where it all started ..."

I've been thinking about writing this for a while now, but for some reason, I've had the toughest time just trying to put down in words how I feel about it all - about you, about things as they stand, and about how much has changed ever since you've been gone, and yet still seem to be all around me.

I know it's been a while since you've left this place, and gone back to your beautiful tropical paradise, back home... But it feels like everywhere I look, I'm faced with reminders of you. I wake up to a bright sunny morning, and the first thought in my head is how much you love such days. I go to Starbucks and I can't help but muse over your obsession with strong, full of flavor black coffee. I see people at weekend brunches and it takes me back to that beautiful Sunday morning we met for coffee and took a walk by the riverside with the sun shining down at us, and a light breeze blowing - for those few hours, there was nothing wrong with my world, nothing more I wanted, it was perfect. One of the many perfect times I've spent with you.

I remember it all, every little detail - the clothes I was wearing, the drink you always ordered, the extra hot hot chocolate, the chocolate cake for breakfast and lunch, that night at the bar when you held my hand for the first time right before you were leaving and you just held on for a little longer. I remember Christmas drinks, and new year's wishes, and of course, the gift. It's all so deeply etched inside me, I can't believe that it's been so long. 

And it's really hard sometimes, thinking about all the time I spent with you, and realizing that it's all in the past. But what scares me more is the thought of forgetting any of it. I know I'd rather remember all this stuff that makes me feel real inside, even if it hurts, than ignore and try to forget and just be numb to it all. I feel like I'm just trying to get by each day without breaking down, without being mad about how unfair it all is. I'm trying not to run away from people and places that remind me of you, but some days are just more difficult than others.

Time with you went by so fast, I barely knew you and it was over, yet when I look back, it feels like no time has passed at all. I can close my eyes and relive every conversation, every joke, every moment, everything...

I don't know what I was to you, or if there are any reminders of me in this new life you've got. I don't even know what you are to me anymore. I don't know if it was friendship, or love or just that messy grey area in between. All sane, sensible, realistic thinking went out the window the moment you told me you were leaving. For in that moment, I realized how much you still meant to me. No matter how much I denied it, no matter how much I convinced myself that I was over you, you were still just as important to me as you'd always been. And you always will be. You were the one person who made me feel a little less lost and a little more self assured when I needed it the most. And for that I am forever grateful. I will never understand why it all had to end so abruptly, so soon, but every time I talk to you, I can see how incredibly happy you are, and I know it was the right thing for you. You deserve to be happy, wherever you are.

As for me, I'm taking your advice and trying to be brave. And even if there's nothing else left for you on this island, there will still be the girl who makes you laugh...