"The place where it all started ..."

I've been thinking about writing this for a while now, but for some reason, I've had the toughest time just trying to put down in words how I feel about it all - about you, about things as they stand, and about how much has changed ever since you've been gone, and yet still seem to be all around me.

I know it's been a while since you've left this place, and gone back to your beautiful tropical paradise, back home... But it feels like everywhere I look, I'm faced with reminders of you. I wake up to a bright sunny morning, and the first thought in my head is how much you love such days. I go to Starbucks and I can't help but muse over your obsession with strong, full of flavor black coffee. I see people at weekend brunches and it takes me back to that beautiful Sunday morning we met for coffee and took a walk by the riverside with the sun shining down at us, and a light breeze blowing - for those few hours, there was nothing wrong with my world, nothing more I wanted, it was perfect. One of the many perfect times I've spent with you.

I remember it all, every little detail - the clothes I was wearing, the drink you always ordered, the extra hot hot chocolate, the chocolate cake for breakfast and lunch, that night at the bar when you held my hand for the first time right before you were leaving and you just held on for a little longer. I remember Christmas drinks, and new year's wishes, and of course, the gift. It's all so deeply etched inside me, I can't believe that it's been so long. 

And it's really hard sometimes, thinking about all the time I spent with you, and realizing that it's all in the past. But what scares me more is the thought of forgetting any of it. I know I'd rather remember all this stuff that makes me feel real inside, even if it hurts, than ignore and try to forget and just be numb to it all. I feel like I'm just trying to get by each day without breaking down, without being mad about how unfair it all is. I'm trying not to run away from people and places that remind me of you, but some days are just more difficult than others.

Time with you went by so fast, I barely knew you and it was over, yet when I look back, it feels like no time has passed at all. I can close my eyes and relive every conversation, every joke, every moment, everything...

I don't know what I was to you, or if there are any reminders of me in this new life you've got. I don't even know what you are to me anymore. I don't know if it was friendship, or love or just that messy grey area in between. All sane, sensible, realistic thinking went out the window the moment you told me you were leaving. For in that moment, I realized how much you still meant to me. No matter how much I denied it, no matter how much I convinced myself that I was over you, you were still just as important to me as you'd always been. And you always will be. You were the one person who made me feel a little less lost and a little more self assured when I needed it the most. And for that I am forever grateful. I will never understand why it all had to end so abruptly, so soon, but every time I talk to you, I can see how incredibly happy you are, and I know it was the right thing for you. You deserve to be happy, wherever you are.

As for me, I'm taking your advice and trying to be brave. And even if there's nothing else left for you on this island, there will still be the girl who makes you laugh...

Growing Up

Sucks.

Growing up sucks.

It means facing reality. It means realising what's the best decision you can make when life brings you to a crossroads. 

When it gives you a chance to be close to him, a chance to have what both of you had to give up on.

When a decision seems like a simple choice between being in a city close to him or taking a job that is a million miles away, growing up is realising that the simpler option is the wrong one. Realising that being close to him should not be your priority at the stage, realising that he should not, in any way, be a decision criteria for you.

Growing up means having a conversation with him about this, and telling him what you think is best for you. It's weighing your options and explaining the reasons to him, knowing full well that none of those will make you feel any better when you realise that this decision is why you're apart. That this decision is why you can't be with him, why you won't be meeting him anytime soon, and why both of you may probably eventually lose touch and move on with your lives.

Growing up is listening to him talk about how much he is going to miss the city he is working in right now when he returns to school for the spring semester. Its cheering him up saying he can always go back there next summer break, knowing full well that that would mean him not returning home when you are back there for the entire two months in the summer. 

Its reminding him that staying there is a better option than going home, even when all you want to do is shout and scream and tell him you want him back for what may well be your last summer together.

And when you're sitting in your room, accepting the full weight of reality, beginning to realise that you may never be together again, looking at old pictures of the two of you, and wondering if this is it to your story, if this is the sort of ending you ll get, these reasons will begin to seem worthless and trivial.

But that's the thing about growing up. You can't escape reality and fantasize about ending up together. You can't pack up and run to where he is. You have both thought about what is best for you at this stage in life and you have both made a decision. And you have to live with it.

Growing up is forcing yourself to toughen up, hold your head high and accept the consequences of the option you've settled on. It's having a conversation with him, missing old times, and realising the time you could spend together but have to give up. And through it all, having the courage to stick to your path, and putting on a brave face for both your sakes.

Growing up is facing the fact that sometimes when you make a choice, it's not just for you, it's for the people in your life that you love and care about. That deserve to be a a higher priority than a boy you fell in love with in high school. It's because of the circumstances you are in and cannot change. It's because there are things in your life that you need to do. 

And it's about realising that at some point, you have to follow your own path, instead of following after someone else.

Growing up is about making tough choices and yet somehow having the courage to keep the faith that if the two of you are meant to be together, you will eventually find your way back to each other. 

And if you don't, then that's just another bit of harsh reality you're going to have to deal with.

Yes, growing up sucks.