"The place where it all started ..."

I've been thinking about writing this for a while now, but for some reason, I've had the toughest time just trying to put down in words how I feel about it all - about you, about things as they stand, and about how much has changed ever since you've been gone, and yet still seem to be all around me.

I know it's been a while since you've left this place, and gone back to your beautiful tropical paradise, back home... But it feels like everywhere I look, I'm faced with reminders of you. I wake up to a bright sunny morning, and the first thought in my head is how much you love such days. I go to Starbucks and I can't help but muse over your obsession with strong, full of flavor black coffee. I see people at weekend brunches and it takes me back to that beautiful Sunday morning we met for coffee and took a walk by the riverside with the sun shining down at us, and a light breeze blowing - for those few hours, there was nothing wrong with my world, nothing more I wanted, it was perfect. One of the many perfect times I've spent with you.

I remember it all, every little detail - the clothes I was wearing, the drink you always ordered, the extra hot hot chocolate, the chocolate cake for breakfast and lunch, that night at the bar when you held my hand for the first time right before you were leaving and you just held on for a little longer. I remember Christmas drinks, and new year's wishes, and of course, the gift. It's all so deeply etched inside me, I can't believe that it's been so long. 

And it's really hard sometimes, thinking about all the time I spent with you, and realizing that it's all in the past. But what scares me more is the thought of forgetting any of it. I know I'd rather remember all this stuff that makes me feel real inside, even if it hurts, than ignore and try to forget and just be numb to it all. I feel like I'm just trying to get by each day without breaking down, without being mad about how unfair it all is. I'm trying not to run away from people and places that remind me of you, but some days are just more difficult than others.

Time with you went by so fast, I barely knew you and it was over, yet when I look back, it feels like no time has passed at all. I can close my eyes and relive every conversation, every joke, every moment, everything...

I don't know what I was to you, or if there are any reminders of me in this new life you've got. I don't even know what you are to me anymore. I don't know if it was friendship, or love or just that messy grey area in between. All sane, sensible, realistic thinking went out the window the moment you told me you were leaving. For in that moment, I realized how much you still meant to me. No matter how much I denied it, no matter how much I convinced myself that I was over you, you were still just as important to me as you'd always been. And you always will be. You were the one person who made me feel a little less lost and a little more self assured when I needed it the most. And for that I am forever grateful. I will never understand why it all had to end so abruptly, so soon, but every time I talk to you, I can see how incredibly happy you are, and I know it was the right thing for you. You deserve to be happy, wherever you are.

As for me, I'm taking your advice and trying to be brave. And even if there's nothing else left for you on this island, there will still be the girl who makes you laugh...

Careful

You know the people you got to be careful with?

It's not the ones who mess with you or play mind games, 
who lie and talk behind your back. 
Sure you need to be wary of them, but they aren't the most dangerous, no.

The people you really gotta watch out for, 
they are the ones who change your life from the moment they walk into it. 

The ones who make every moment better just by being there. 

The special ones - who make the most mundane things seem extraordinary.

The people who make you laugh ...

Because when it's over,

when they have to get up and leave,

nothing is ever the same again ...

Uncertain. Alone. Cratered by Imperfections.

The moon is a loyal companion.

It never leaves. It’s always there, watching, steadfast, knowing us in our light and dark moments, changing forever just as we do.

Every day it’s a different version of itself. Sometimes weak and wan, sometimes strong and full of light. The moon understands what it means to be human.

Uncertain.

Alone.

Cratered by imperfections.

- Tahereh Mafi, Shatter Me



 

I guess this is it then

"You watch too many films" - It took a random stranger to make me realize the effect you've had on me.

Falling in love with you has moved me. Changed me. Made me a better person.

At the same time, however, not meaning anything more than a friend to you made me miserable. I could be laughing and bantering happily all the time, yet at the end of the day, I would be thinking about you.

At the first opportunity I saw, I ran to get away from you. I couldn't bear to be around you, to have you in my life yet not have you for myself. I changed my entire life - changed where I live, changed my friends - everything. Yet when I went to bed at night, a million miles away, just hearing the sound of the river at night reminded me of you.

But I realize now, if you run for long enough and try to get as far away as you can, eventually you do learn to move on with your life. And I guess that's what's happened. I moved on. It seems like it may finally be over. Oddly however, it doesn't make me feel happy or relieved to realize that I'm over it. That I am not in love with you anymore. It actually makes me feel sad.

Sad at the knowledge that I don't feel that way about you. That it will take a while for me to let my guard down and feel that way about someone again. Sad at realizing that I have lost out on someone as amazing as you.

You had the best of me, and I expected nothing in return.

But I guess it took a random conversation with a total stranger to realize that may be, just may be, I do deserve a little bit more.

Maybe I deserve someone who would entwine his fingers in mine as we walked, drop me back home no matter how much I insisted that he didn't have to, and kiss me as we said goodnight, right there in the middle of the road, at two am on a cold winter night.

Maybe it's time for me to have a little more faith in myself and stop settling for whatever I get.

I may never hear from this guy again. And he probably forgot all about our little adventure as he woke up the next morning. But I'm glad it happened - the perfect night. A bit like Jesse and Celine from Before Sunrise - yes, I've become a movies person. But I guess that's a little bit of you that will always be with me, long after I've moved on ...

This one's for you

For believing in me when I'd lost faith in myself. For challenging me every step on the way. For shaking me out of my comfort zone and forcing me to think about where I was standing and where I wanted to be.

Everyone understands relationships and love and the likes. But what we had, it was so much more than that. It was friendship - pure and simple. No ulterior motive, no complications. Yet, funnily enough, the dynamics of our friendship have always been so much more complicated! I suppose, at the end, that's what made it so special.

My most memorable times aren't from clubbing or beach parties. It's that moment that I was sitting in your room, the night before I was leaving, and you gave me a hug and told me it'll all be okay. And you held on for just a few seconds longer. I felt safe. Secure. I felt like no matter what changes, the friend I found in you will always be there.

The time when I had my head on your shoulder and we were listening to songs. And you put your arm around me. You knew I was beginning to cry, but you didn't say a word. No words would have helped. You just held me, like you always have.

The time when we ordered pizza, a few days before finals. We were sitting on the couches in the lounge. And we spent hours talking about our first year at university. About how things had started out, and how we had reached where we are now. We were both laughing and crying all at once. We had exams in a few days and both knew we should wrap up dinner and study, but somehow, that discussion, that time together was so much more important.

Yes, a lot has happened in these four years, and a lot has changed. A lot of people have grown up and grown apart. Yet some of us have managed to fight the odds and save what we've got. 

And I'm grateful that we were one of those.

I wanted to leave you a small note to say thanks. Thank you for all those memories. Thank you for holding me and telling me it'll be okay. Thank you for calming me down when I turned up at your door at 3 am, crying.

You've always been there, always understood, even the times when I felt like you didn't. 

And I don't know if I am even close to being the friend that you've been to me. 

But I promise I'll always be there whenever you need me. Every step of the way.

Thank you. For everything.

Walking Away

When I met you, I was still lost in someone else. Still a broken, incomplete person, dealing with the hurt from the past. Still trying to find myself in those pieces. 

Back then, I never thought I could ever feel that way about someone again. I thought that the next time I fall for someone, my heart would be more guarded, more afraid, less willing to take risks. Because that's the person I was back then. Every time I started to feel anything about someone, I would force myself to snap out of it. Pull myself back to rationality.

But then you walked in. At first, I didn't give it much thought. I didn't think I needed any safety because I saw you as just another person I would eventually pull myself away from. I didn't think of you as someone who was here to stay. When I first realized that you were becoming more important to me than I'd anticipated, I still believed that I had it under control, that it was just a rush of feelings on meeting someone new, that it would go away. 

And that was true till an extent. After a while, we lost touch. And that might have been the end of it. I was normal again. Or as close as it got to that. I would will myself back to rationality, prevent myself from thinking about you, distract myself. And it almost worked. Almost.

But even then, I guess there were always times when I knew I was lying to myself. I knew you mattered more than I cared to admit. And a little while later, you came traipsing back into my life. We talked, we laughed, we hung out. You knew things no one knew about me. And I would like to believe I knew a little bit more of you than most. You were caring and supportive. You were easy to talk to, and above all, you understood. You understood things others couldn't. It wasn't long in terms of time, but as far as friendships go, you were already one of the most important. I suppose that's really the type of person you are.

You were all wrong for me. You were trouble. And I knew there was absolutely no way that I would ever mean anything to you in the romantic sense. I knew I needed to stop risking everything, I needed to guard myself, come back to my senses. Yes, I knew all of that.

Yet, for some reason, I couldn't. When I was around you, I just never stood a chance. I was the irrational fool again. I was silly and sensible, irresponsible and grown up - all at the same time. I knew I was in over my head, despite my reluctance to the idea of getting serious about any other person again. A year ago, when I was still getting over things, I never thought I'd love someone again in the foreseeable future.

And now, if it was possible, I loved you even more. 

I could've gotten over it. I could've broken off all contact and moved on with my life. It wouldn't have been easy but it was possible.

But I didn't want to. Even when I knew nothing would ever come out of it, nothing could ever happen between us. For a variety of reasons, the idea of 'us' just wasn't possible. 

Yet I didn't want to end it. I didn't want to finish whatever it was that we had. I wanted to risk it.

I liked the person I was around you. I like the person you've made me. I've had my dark moments, but every time I was with you, I was happy. Truly happy. I was smiling. Laughing again. Something inside felt alive once more. After a long long time, I was willing to take a chance and lay everything on the line. I knew it would hurt when it ended, perhaps more than before. But with you, it was worth it. 

I loved you. I loved you enough to take chances. Enough to watch you with another, and still be happy. Enough to be happy with just knowing that I loved you. Without any expectation in return.

And that was the deal. I allowed myself to feel that way about someone again, but I would never let myself expect anything in return.

At least I was mature in that sense. I always knew where I stood, and where you were. I knew that the time I had with you wouldn't last, and that I had to make the best of it. I knew not to take things for granted. All those moments I spent with you, I knew how important they were. How I had to memorize it all, for it would all come to an end before I realized. I was aware of the frailty of love, and the ruthlessness of time.

And I was mature enough to accept that. No amount of time I spent with you would ever be enough. When it was time to leave, I had to pick myself up and leave. I had to call it quits and say goodbye. I had to remember the promise I made to myself at the beginning -- no expectations. 

And now that it's over, that is what I keep reminding myself.

You opened my heart again. You made me realize that eventually, its possible to get over past hurt, and fall in love. You made me willing to take chances and believe in love. That is perhaps the reason why it all happened. The reason you walked into my life. And now, a little while later, walked out.

It wasn't long in terms of calendar months. But to me, it seems like an entire lifetime. I am a new person thanks to you.

I will always love you. And when I look around me, there are more than a few reminders of things that you said or did. But that's all there will be to it. Memories. Conversations I can play in my head. Moments that I can relive every time I close my eyes. 

You will move on, have a life of your own. One I never have and never will fit into. You'll find someone else who will make you feel the way I feel about you. And at the end, that's what I want for you. I don't have to be with you. It's enough for me to know that I love you.

Maybe I'll get over it, and in time find another hurricane that will sweep me off my feet, just like you did. Yet, all said and done, you are a person I will always remember fondly. Through a walk in the park during spring time, I'll imagine how it would be to have you beside me. What you would say or do. Or when the season's first snow falls, I'll imagine how it would be to share that moment with you. When candle light reflects off the stem of a wine glass, I'll see your deep brown eyes. And when I'm standing by the river on a moonlit night, I'll miss you.

Yes, I have to and I am, walking away, but I'll think about you. 
Every now and then, I'll think about you.

If it's meant to be?

Is there really a hidden meaning to everything? 

Behind all the small and large choices and decisions that we make every moment of every day, is it, in fact, a path that leads us to our destiny?

Karma. And the idea that all the hard work and efforts pay off. That a person gets what they truly deserve. 

And there's one fine day when the fog is lifted, and everything makes perfect sense.

Is there truly a grand scheme falling in place - one piece at a time?

Or is everything in our daily life just a haphazard stream of events? 

No big picture. No Karma. 

Just a series of decisions - with consequences, of which we are solely responsible.

Are we just grasping at ways to make sense of the reality we're faced with? 

Reassuring ourselves by taking comfort in the age old "everything happens for a reason" concept.

The way I see it, human beings are so small and insignificant, that it's hard for us to fathom a reality where there's no great big master plan.

For most of us, it's hard to accept a lot of what goes wrong in our day because we think it's unfair, or that we deserved better.

And perhaps that is the reason why this concept emerged - to make it easier to deal with reality. 

To help us make it through the day without breaking down. 

To keep fighting. 

Maybe its naive. Hell, even downright gullible. 

And sure it's wrong to take the easy way out, to expect things to happen without paying your dues, or to dismiss the importance of putting in time and effort altogether, and instead foolishly thinking, "It will work out, I deserve this."

Fate and destiny happen, in huge part, depending on the actions we take.

Having said that, at some stage, we need the motivation to keep struggling, despite the odds stacked against us. 

We need to feel that everything will be okay. 
That happiness - true happiness - awaits us. 

That somewhere along the line, there will be a moment when we realize why everything that went wrong, went wrong. 

An explanation for our failures. 

For the choices we were forced to make. 

For the people we had to leave behind for the sake of the bigger dream.

It's about keeping the faith - faith in ourself, in our abilities. 
Faith in some higher order or grand scheme of events slowly coming together just for us.

And, most of all, faith in the knowledge 
that even though, at this moment, 
it seems like the most difficult decision we've ever had to make, 

a few years down the line, we would gain the perspective and the wisdom to realize that this was the path we had to take to reach where we've reached. 
To achieve what we've achieved. 
And to become the person we were supposed to become, 
right from the start...