"The future is scary. But you can't just run back to the past because it's familiar. Yes, it's tempting... But it's a mistake ... " - Robin Scherbatsky

So I received a text from him today morning. And now I'll probably finally call him up and talk to him on the phone today evening.

Now the thing is, I do want to talk to him. No doubt about that. But I am afraid of what that phone call might trigger. I haven't talked to him in so long, and now suddenly, it's like old times again. What if that spark is still there? What if I haven't gotten over him in the first place? And I've only been thinking I have cos things have been so different lately...


And I've been going over and over this since morning. And I think I've finally understood what I'm so worried about. It's not like I ll feel that way about him again or anything. I do realise its stupid and impractical and will never really work, so its senseless to put myself through that again.


The reason I might start feeling that way is because being with him means I don't have to worry about being with someone else. Yes, I know it sounds stupid, but hear me out!

Ever since we broke up, I've lost that little comfortable place I used to run to every time things went wrong. I'm afraid of trying new things and taking chances. The very prospect of liking someone again terrifies me cos it won't work out and I'll end up unhappy. But when it comes to this guy, I knew pretty much where and how things will be. It's as if all this time I've been treading unknown territory, trying to make it by myself, and then suddenly I get the option of running back to a past I knew.

The future is unknown and unpredictable, and I don't have the slightest idea how I'll make it by myself. And that scares the hell out of me.And now, I'm afraid I'll run back to the past cos its familiar.
"Yes, its tempting,
But it's a mistake ..."

You won't be his first, his last, or his only. He's loved before, and he will love again ... But if he loves you now, what else matters ? He's not perfect and neither are you, which both of you will never be. But if he makes you laugh, at least once causes you to think twice, and he admits to being human and to making mistakes, hold on to him and give him all you've got. He's not going to quote poetry, and he isn't going to be thinking about you every single moment of every single day, but he will give you a part of him, that he knows you can break. Don't hurt him, don't change him, don't expect too much from him. But smile when he makes you happy, cry when he makes you sad, and miss him when he's not there with you ...

PS : I Miss You ..

I miss you when something really good happens, 

because you're the one I want to share it with.

I miss you when something is troubling me,

because you're the one who understands me so well.

I miss you when I laugh and cry,

because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow, and my tears disappear.

I miss you all the time,

but I miss you the most when I lay awake at night, 

and think of all the wonderful times that we spent with each other, 

for those were some of the best and most memorable moments of my life ...

Live the Dream ...

Have you ever woken up to the morning sunshine

And still not felt the warmth?

Ever felt that the fire you had inside

Somehow just got lost?

Do you remember your childhood days,

When dreams used to light up your way?

Did you grow up just to lose it all?

And watch it disappear in the haze?

Burying those times, as life moved on

You chose the beaten track

Missing out on what you want

Can you say you've never looked back?

So just this once, wake up to be who you want

And pave the path yourself

Dare to chase those dreams you saw

Bear a heart with no regrets

Let yourself fly azure

Above thriving fields and golden sands

And far above, feel the heavens bow

As you decide to take the chance

Live your life, live it now

Let your choices guide you

And let the inferno of your passions

Leave a blazing trail behind you...

~M

....

So I am finally going to have a blog entry that's not centered around my ntu life or my (non existent) love life. This one's about someone way more important - my grandmother. I lost my grandmother over a month ago, while I was still in ntu. For the first time in 20 years, I didn't get a call from her on my birthday. I thought I'd talk to her when I was back in Delhi, except it was too late by then.

If there's one thing I've always been afraid of, since the day I decided to leave for Sg, its a situation like this. I don't mind missing my cousins weddings, or the birth of my nieces and nephews - you get to make up for that when you're back. Four months really isn't that long. And there's always mobile phones and webcams and skype. But for something like this, you cant make up for it. Ever.
Had I known back in January that it was the last time I was meeting her ... well, I don't know, it would have been different.

I still remember those times when she used to wait for me at the bus stop. No matter the scorching heat or the peak cold, I could always see my grandmother's smiling face as I stepped down from my school bus.

And whenever I went to visit her, even before we reached, she'd be toiling in the kitchen preparing something special for her granddaughter who met her once in four months.
Don't get me wrong. I am glad she didn't suffer at the end. And given her precarious medical condition, I think its all for the best.

But it still gives me an empty feeling when I walk into her room or when I look at her photo in my drawing room. A feeling that makes me realise she's really gone. Makes me realise just how much I miss her ...

Happy Birthday ...

“... and somewhere in between all our long talks, and crazy jokes, and stupid fights, and random arguments ...”

The Innocence of a Child

I read this somewhere awhile back, and would love to share it with anyone who drops by my page !

The Innocence of a Child

"We were the only family with children in the restaurant. I sat Erik in a high chair and noticed everyone was quietly eating and talking. Suddenly, Erik squealed with glee and said, “Hi there.” He pounded his fat baby hands on the highchair tray. His eyes were wide with excitement and his mouth was bared in a toothless grin. He wriggled and giggled with glee.

I looked around and saw the source of his merriment. It was a man with a tattered rag of a coat, dirty, greasy and worn. His pants were baggy with a zipper at half-mast and his toes poked out of would-be shoes. His shirt was dirty and his hair was uncombed and unwashed. His whiskers were too short to be called a beard and his nose was so varicose it looked like a road map. We were too far from him to smell, but I was sure he smelled. His hands waved and flapped on loose wrists. “Hi there, baby; hi there, big boy. I see ya, buster,” the man said to Erik.

My husband and I exchanged looks, “What do we do?” Erik continued to laugh and answer, “Hi, hi there.” Everyone in the restaurant noticed and looked at us and then at the man. The old geezer was creating a nuisance with my beautiful baby.

Our meal came and the man began shouting from across the room, “Do ya know patty cake? Do you know peek-a-boo? Hey, look, he knows peek-a-boo.” Nobody thought the old man was cute. He was obviously drunk. My husband and I were embarrassed. We ate in silence, all except for Erik, who was running through his repertoire for the admiring skid-row bum, who in turn, reciprocated with his cute comments.

We finally got through the meal and headed for the door. My husband went to pay the check and told me to meet him in the parking lot. The old man sat poised between me and the door. “Lord, just let me out of here before he speaks to me or Erik,” I prayed. As I drew closer to the man, I turned my back trying to sidestep him and avoid any air he might be breathing. As I did, Erik leaned over my arm, reaching with both arms in a baby’s “pick-me-up” position. Before I could stop him,Erik had propelled himself from my arms to the man’s. Suddenly a very old smelly man and a very young baby consummated their love relationship. Erik in an act of total trust, love, and submission laid his tiny head upon the man’s ragged shoulder.

The man’s eyes closed, and I saw tears hover beneath his lashes. His aged hands full of grime, pain, and hard labor-gently, so gently, cradled my baby’s bottom and stroked his back. No two beings have ever loved so deeply for so short a time. I stood awestruck. The old man rocked and cradled Erik in his arms for a moment, and then his eyes opened and set squarely on mine. He said in a firm commanding voice, “You take care of this baby.” Somehow I managed, “I will,” from a throat that contained a stone. He pried Erik from his chest-unwillingly, longingly, as though he were in pain. I received my baby, and the man said, “God bless you, ma’am, you’ve given me my Christmas gift.”

With Erik in my arms, I ran for the car. My husband was wondering why I was crying and holding Erik so tightly, and why I was saying, “My God, my God, forgive me.” I had just witnessed Christ’s love shown through the innocence of a tiny child who saw no sin, who made no judgment; a child who saw a soul, and a mother who saw a suit of clothes. I was a Christian who was blind, holding a child who was not. I felt it was God asking “Are you willing to share your son for a moment?”when He shared His for all eternity. The ragged old man, unwittingly, had reminded me, “To enter the Kingdom of God, we must become as little children.”

Here's Why ...

“Maybe it’s best if you let go,

Times change and life goes on,

Why? “, she asked, “Why the hope?

Why are you still holding on?”

My eyes are wet, but I smile anyway,

And as I turn to her, this is what I say:

Because he’s the last person I think about

                Every night before I fall asleep

Because every time his eyes meet mine

                He sweeps me off my feet

Because his is the first face I want to see

                Every morning as I open my eyes

Because I know I can’t forget his smile

                Even after a million tries

Because every time I am with him

                Everything else just fades to gray

And the way he says my name

                Still takes my breath away

Because somehow I feel like he’s here

                Whenever they play our song

Because every time we talk on the phone

                Thoughts of him haunt me all night long

Because every time I hear his voice

It brings a smile to my face

Because every time I feel close to him

                It takes me to my happy place

Because every time he cracks a joke

                He makes me laugh like no one else can

Because all the time we spent together

                I was happier than I’ve ever been

Because sometimes when I want to break down and cry

                I still need to put up a false pretence

And somewhere through this hollow emptiness

                I can somehow sense his presence

Because every time I feel alone and weak

                I realize why I’ve held on for so long

And I look up at the sky, the stars, the moon

                And I tell myself, come what may, I’ll always have the strength to hold on

Because I’ve felt a love like never before

                And it made my world just seem so right

Because nobody ever says it easy

                But at the end, it’s always worth the fight

Because without him standing by my side

                My life is empty, incomplete

Because when I told him “I won’t let go”

                It was a promise I meant to keep

Because somehow, somewhere deep inside my heart

                I still believe in fate

Because someday we’ll be together forever

                And I know he’s worth the wait …

~M

La Fin ...

The day has come and our ways are parting, 

And our time is at an end.

No longer together we’re standing alone,

As the rest of our life begins. 

We always knew this day was coming,

But thought we'd have more time.

We can't reverse life's one-way flow, 

But at least you'll have this rhyme. 

I suppose it's a part of life,

As people come and go

Paths cross and uncross in their time,

Nothing ever stops cold.

We've had our shining moments, 

Upon this life's darkened stage, 

And all the times we spent here,

These memories won’t ever age.

Now can u promise to remember me with a smile?

Remember us together and strong ?

Remember what we shared for that little while?

Remember it forever long?

For life is a journey that needs to be made,

And I say this without any doubt-

Your light will travel with me far, 

Past when all other lights go out...

~M

Senior year ...

Senior year is unlike any other ...

It won't hit you when you wake up for your last first day of school.

It won't hit you as you enter the floor to perform at your class assembly for the last time.

It won't hit you as you fill out the countless college applications.

It won't hit you as you celebrate the last New Year's with the friends you have known since childhood.

It won't hit you on Scribble day, when everyone, no matter what group you are in, has a picnic.

When December finally comes around, you realize that it is your last day as a school student, but you don't really feel it when you are there having the time of your life.

It won't hit you until that moment when you're cheering at your farewell and later, crying your eyes out when its time to leave!

You begin to understand it when you look around and realize that you will never see half of these people again.

You begin to see it more over the summer when everyone is getting their roommates, class schedules, and going to orientation.

And when you are sitting in your room packing up the past 18 years of your life, laughing with your best friend about all the stupid stuff you've done ..

And although you're now walking down a different path of life, always keep the road map of memories of where you've been ..

Broken. Imperfect. Chaotic.

4 in the morning, and for some lame ass reason I'm still awake and I have absolutely no desire to do anything productive! All around me, people are busy following their dreams, working to get what they want, being ambitious. And me ? I'm still trying to figure it all out ...

When I joined university, it seemed like I had it all planned out. School results, university, scholarship, a course of my choice. Life was perfect.

Almost too perfect I suppose, cos about a month or so in this place and everything changed.

And now, at the end of another semester, I am no further from where I started two years ago. I left debating, the one thing I felt passionately about, and I justified it with a lame "I don't have the time, I have to study". My grades suck. I still like my course, with all its challenges and difficulties, but that hardly counts for anything any longer. I worked my ass off to land an internship in a tech company, yet ironically I don't even know if that's what I want to pursue later on.

Yes, theres more to life than all this. And of course, I am incredibly lucky for everything I have. And I thank God every minute for it all.

Yet, there are moments when I look back at who I used to be, and I realise how incredibly different things are. I was ambitious, and intelligent, and creative, and popular. There was nothing I couldn't achieve if I put my mind to it.

Two years on, and I guess I lost that girl somewhere along the way. I seem to have no faith in myself or my capabilities. I'm afraid to be happy, cos every time I'm happy, something bad always happens.

On another note, I haven't written a poem in over a year!

Welcome to my life - Broken. Imperfect. Chaotic.