I hate the holiday season

I love the festive cheer. The tinsel and twinkling lights. The snowflakes and warm fireplaces. The mulled wine and warm pudding. I love the build up to the holiday season, and the promise of a new year.

Yet something about the holidays makes this amazing city of 8 million people feel like the loneliest place on the planet. I walk past Christmas tree displays, on streets glowing with lights trying to fight the harsh winter night, and as I breathe in the crisp air, I find myself getting lost in the sheer beauty of the scene.

I stare at shop windows, wondering how it would feel to scramble like those around me, buying last minute gifts for loved ones they'll spend the season with.

How it would feel to drink a glass of mulled wine by the fireplace, sharing the warmth with another. Keeping the cold out on the street, where cold things belong. Not here inside my room, with a single tea light fighting a losing battle against the darkness. Struggling to keep me company as I gaze into the night, silently longing for a story that has never been mine. Wondering if it will ever feel any different. If I'll ever be first priority for another. If I'll have someone reach out for my hand as we walk in the snow. If I'll have someone tug my hair behind my ears and kiss me, as the year comes to a gentle, quiet close.

I blow out the tea light and climb into the cold bed, trying to warm my bare feet, and I turn towards the one companion of even the loneliest soul - my imagination.

I imagine what it'd be like sharing this moment with that special person. I create an elaborate tapestry of words, and whispers, and soft kisses, and gentle caresses.

And I drift away with his arms wrapped around me. That blue inch of half consciousness right before I fall asleep, when I'm at my most human and most vulnerable, yet somehow feeling safe. Warm.

Protected from the broken pieces of yesterday, shielded from the harsh reality of tomorrow,  when I have to wake up by myself, and face another long cold winter's day.

There's no escaping 2 am.

That time of the night when you're done with your tv shows, and your books, and your finger mindlessly swiping across the screen of your phone, glancing through stories that aren't yours.

That time when you're lying in your bed, and you're alone. Truly alone. With nothing but your thoughts to keep you company. And you let your mind wander back to memories of a simpler time. A time when it wasn't so difficult to be by yourself. When you weren't so afraid of solitude. When just a thought didn't fill every inch of your body with longing. A longing for a story that simply isn't meant to be yours. When every moment of the day wasn't such a struggle to get through. When you didn't feel like all you wanted was to hit the stop button, and somehow, just for a moment, stop all feeling.

And then you turn around to an even colder side of the bed and hug the pillow, praying for sleep to come soon, giving you a chance to escape into the world of dreams - a world where you can smile, without that constant ache buried inside.

A world where you finally stop feeling so. fucking. damaged.

Yes, there's no escaping 2 am.

"The place where it all started ..."

I've been thinking about writing this for a while now, but for some reason, I've had the toughest time just trying to put down in words how I feel about it all - about you, about things as they stand, and about how much has changed ever since you've been gone, and yet still seem to be all around me.

I know it's been a while since you've left this place, and gone back to your beautiful tropical paradise, back home... But it feels like everywhere I look, I'm faced with reminders of you. I wake up to a bright sunny morning, and the first thought in my head is how much you love such days. I go to Starbucks and I can't help but muse over your obsession with strong, full of flavor black coffee. I see people at weekend brunches and it takes me back to that beautiful Sunday morning we met for coffee and took a walk by the riverside with the sun shining down at us, and a light breeze blowing - for those few hours, there was nothing wrong with my world, nothing more I wanted, it was perfect. One of the many perfect times I've spent with you.

I remember it all, every little detail - the clothes I was wearing, the drink you always ordered, the extra hot hot chocolate, the chocolate cake for breakfast and lunch, that night at the bar when you held my hand for the first time right before you were leaving and you just held on for a little longer. I remember Christmas drinks, and new year's wishes, and of course, the gift. It's all so deeply etched inside me, I can't believe that it's been so long. 

And it's really hard sometimes, thinking about all the time I spent with you, and realizing that it's all in the past. But what scares me more is the thought of forgetting any of it. I know I'd rather remember all this stuff that makes me feel real inside, even if it hurts, than ignore and try to forget and just be numb to it all. I feel like I'm just trying to get by each day without breaking down, without being mad about how unfair it all is. I'm trying not to run away from people and places that remind me of you, but some days are just more difficult than others.

Time with you went by so fast, I barely knew you and it was over, yet when I look back, it feels like no time has passed at all. I can close my eyes and relive every conversation, every joke, every moment, everything...

I don't know what I was to you, or if there are any reminders of me in this new life you've got. I don't even know what you are to me anymore. I don't know if it was friendship, or love or just that messy grey area in between. All sane, sensible, realistic thinking went out the window the moment you told me you were leaving. For in that moment, I realized how much you still meant to me. No matter how much I denied it, no matter how much I convinced myself that I was over you, you were still just as important to me as you'd always been. And you always will be. You were the one person who made me feel a little less lost and a little more self assured when I needed it the most. And for that I am forever grateful. I will never understand why it all had to end so abruptly, so soon, but every time I talk to you, I can see how incredibly happy you are, and I know it was the right thing for you. You deserve to be happy, wherever you are.

As for me, I'm taking your advice and trying to be brave. And even if there's nothing else left for you on this island, there will still be the girl who makes you laugh...

Careful

You know the people you got to be careful with?

It's not the ones who mess with you or play mind games, 
who lie and talk behind your back. 
Sure you need to be wary of them, but they aren't the most dangerous, no.

The people you really gotta watch out for, 
they are the ones who change your life from the moment they walk into it. 

The ones who make every moment better just by being there. 

The special ones - who make the most mundane things seem extraordinary.

The people who make you laugh ...

Because when it's over,

when they have to get up and leave,

nothing is ever the same again ...

Uncertain. Alone. Cratered by Imperfections.

The moon is a loyal companion.

It never leaves. It’s always there, watching, steadfast, knowing us in our light and dark moments, changing forever just as we do.

Every day it’s a different version of itself. Sometimes weak and wan, sometimes strong and full of light. The moon understands what it means to be human.

Uncertain.

Alone.

Cratered by imperfections.

- Tahereh Mafi, Shatter Me



 

I guess this is it then

"You watch too many films" - It took a random stranger to make me realize the effect you've had on me.

Falling in love with you has moved me. Changed me. Made me a better person.

At the same time, however, not meaning anything more than a friend to you made me miserable. I could be laughing and bantering happily all the time, yet at the end of the day, I would be thinking about you.

At the first opportunity I saw, I ran to get away from you. I couldn't bear to be around you, to have you in my life yet not have you for myself. I changed my entire life - changed where I live, changed my friends - everything. Yet when I went to bed at night, a million miles away, just hearing the sound of the river at night reminded me of you.

But I realize now, if you run for long enough and try to get as far away as you can, eventually you do learn to move on with your life. And I guess that's what's happened. I moved on. It seems like it may finally be over. Oddly however, it doesn't make me feel happy or relieved to realize that I'm over it. That I am not in love with you anymore. It actually makes me feel sad.

Sad at the knowledge that I don't feel that way about you. That it will take a while for me to let my guard down and feel that way about someone again. Sad at realizing that I have lost out on someone as amazing as you.

You had the best of me, and I expected nothing in return.

But I guess it took a random conversation with a total stranger to realize that may be, just may be, I do deserve a little bit more.

Maybe I deserve someone who would entwine his fingers in mine as we walked, drop me back home no matter how much I insisted that he didn't have to, and kiss me as we said goodnight, right there in the middle of the road, at two am on a cold winter night.

Maybe it's time for me to have a little more faith in myself and stop settling for whatever I get.

I may never hear from this guy again. And he probably forgot all about our little adventure as he woke up the next morning. But I'm glad it happened - the perfect night. A bit like Jesse and Celine from Before Sunrise - yes, I've become a movies person. But I guess that's a little bit of you that will always be with me, long after I've moved on ...